{"id":37147,"date":"2023-05-15T20:22:22","date_gmt":"2023-05-16T01:22:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites.imsa.edu\/acronym\/?p=37147"},"modified":"2023-05-15T20:22:22","modified_gmt":"2023-05-16T01:22:22","slug":"the-adventures-of-an-imsa-student-finale-time-transfixed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.imsa.edu\/acronym\/2023\/05\/15\/the-adventures-of-an-imsa-student-finale-time-transfixed\/","title":{"rendered":"The Adventures of an IMSA Student, Finale: Time Transfixed"},"content":{"rendered":"

One day as I was walking over to B wing for quizbowl practice, I noticed a strange blue light emanating from Tellabs, and, seconds later, a dazed old man with wild hair and a lab coat stumbled out the door. <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYes, I did it, I really did it! All it took was an unspecified scientific procedure I can slap the word \u2018quantum\u2019 onto and call it a day!\u201d he shouted. Seeing me in the hallway, he walked towards me with a horrifically excited expression, and it was at that moment I really regretted not adding Security to my contacts. \u201cMy dear boy, you must carry on my work! I trust you\u2019ll figure out how to use the machine, and then I\u2019ll show \u2018em just how smart I was!\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Then, as quickly as he had arrived, the old man pressed a button and disappeared in a puff of smoke, shouting \u201csee you in the next life, kid!\u201d As I stood there trying to comprehend what had just happened, wondering if this was another all-nighter-induced hallucination, the fire alarms went off and I was drenched in sprinkler water. Besides answering \u201cBenedict Cumberbatch\u201d for a Benedict Arnold tossup, this was the second-worst situation I\u2019d ever gotten myself into. Dejectedly, and in violation of safety regulations, I\u2019m obliged to add, I walked into Tellabs and sat down at a table, hoping to drown my sorrows in Family Guy youtube shorts. <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Just then, I heard the sound of machinery from behind a cabinet door, and I opened it up to find what appeared to be an IMSA shower. This dream just kept getting weirder and weirder. Figuring there was no harm in doing so, as I was already soaking wet and miserable, I moved the shower handle to hot water. As soon as I did so, I was blinded by the same blue light from before, and everything went dark.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I woke up, the shower was standing in the middle of cornfields as far as the eye could see. A man on a tractor drove by and went into a conniption when he saw me.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cHey kid, stop tramplin\u2019 my crops with that shower of yours! You think this is some kind of joke, huh?\u201d He walked towards me, pitchfork in hand, and I was about to make a break for it when a paperboy for the \u201cExposition News\u201d walked through the field towards me.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cExtra! Extra! Read all about it! Joe McCarthy calls out the commies in the forest service and their dastardly plot to plant Red Maples! Extra!\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I walked up to the paperboy and asked him what year it was. \u201cWhy the year? Good ol\u2019 1953, of course! Things are lookin\u2019 up, and my pa says we oughta win the war in Korea in no time!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019d found a real time machine! Considering the old man\u2019s mental state, I was surprised it got me anywhere. Luckily for me, before the farmer caught up with me, he began chasing after the paperboy. \u201cGet outta my crops, you rapscallion! I\u2019ll drive you off this field for good, or my name isn\u2019t Amos Jebediah Glazer!\u201d He paused, and added, \u201cI will help you with your math homework, though!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Glazer, huh? What an interesting coincidence. I walked back to the shower-time machine and thought I\u2019d try some more experimentation. I moved the handle to a cooler water setting, and I was once again zapped away to a different time.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I stepped out of the time machine to find myself back in IMSA, but something was different. The tile was brighter, the carpet was fresher, and sounds of Nirvana and Snoop Doggy Dogg music greeted my ears. I walked out into the hallway to see what was going on, and I accidentally collided with a student, causing him to drop his papers. <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cAw no, not my BC worksheets! Dr. Fogel won\u2019t let me hear the end of this!\u201d I helped him pick up his papers, and saw a name written on one of them\u2014\u201dSteve Chen.\u201d My mind was racing a mile a minute, and I could barely contain my excitement. I finally found another Steve just like me!<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for helping me pick up my papers,\u201d he said. As he walked away, I heard him say, \u201cWow, that would have been so great if I could have gotten it on video and posted it online! Oh well.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

After exploring campus a bit more, I returned to the time machine to find the words \u201cLow on fuel\u201d displayed on the shower handle. Darn! I guess I was going to be stuck in the nineties, with nothing but my knowledge of the meteoric growth that certain tech companies would achieve in the coming years. Wanting to get back home, I knew I needed to find a way to power the machine. A golf cart battery I \u201cborrowed\u201d from Security didn\u2019t seem to do anything, nor did a computer power cable I \u201cborrowed\u201d from ITS. <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I thought all hope was lost, I came across a Leon Lederman lecture about spacetime in the TV pit, and it was through his wise words of support\u2014and the chunk of Uranium he gave to me after I explained my predicament\u2014that I finally found the will to get back. With the time machine up and running again, and the Geiger counter only reading 300 roentgen, I fired up the machine and turned the handle back to the coldest setting yet.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This time, when I stepped out of the machine, I found myself in a cold, dank basement, surrounded by various pipes and valves. I must have overshot my time! Nervously, I ascended the stairs to find myself in the atrium of a modern building, where students whirred around sitting in flying carts. Looking up, I saw a sign reading \u201cBenevolent Leader Elon Musk Center for Mars Mission Training, a division of Secretary Xi Jinping Space Credit Program.\u201d I walked into a classroom, where an elderly Dr. Hancock addressed his Creative Writing Class.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cGood morning, everyone! Now, let\u2019s see if we\u2019ve managed to read up on the ChatGPT algorithms needed to write Samuel Beckett-style college essays.\u201d Suddenly, the entire class turned around and eerily stared at me, before a voice rang over the loudspeakers. \u201cUnidentified organism present, terminate on orders of principal <\/span>X \u00c6 A-12.\u201d I ran out of the classroom and back to the time machine, followed by laser blasts from Boston Dynamics Robo-dogs. Miraculously, I made it down to the basement, and managed to seal off the door with unused Cybertruck side plating. When I got to where I had been, however, the time machine was nowhere to be found. <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re running out of time, kid,\u201d a mysterious voice called from the dark. A child-size Tesla drove out the shadows, driven by none other than my old stuffed shark friend Blahaj. \u201cThe resistance soldiers can cover us for a few minutes, but we need him to close the loop. Our entire future depends on it.\u201d Suddenly, the same old man who got me into this whole mess appeared in a puff of smoke before us, the time machine with him.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWelcome back, my friend!\u201d Blahaj cordially addressed him. \u201cI see your time travel methods have been very successful! How did you ever pull it off?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

The old man went and talked with Blahaj in hushed tones, and all I could make out was \u201cLexington Ice Cream machine,\u201d \u201cGoose feathers,\u201d and \u201cResistance bands.\u201d The old man turned around and addressed me. \u201cSon, you\u2019ve completed the mission! The depleted time core will make the perfect weapon to finally win the war!\u201d He ripped the shower head out of the wall, and it began to glow with the same blue as before. <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was then that I finally asked, \u201cWho are you! Why did you make a time machine? Why did you bring it to 2023 of all times? Why me?\u201d Turning around, the old man addressed me at last. \u201cMr. Walsh, I\u2019m your cousin\u2019s wife\u2019s neighbor\u2019s college roommate\u2019s best friend\u2019s great-uncle. Say, you ever seen <\/span>Spaceballs?<\/span><\/i>\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I had no idea what to make of this, so he continued, \u201cWe needed to find the most absent-minded person who we could guarantee would be foolhardy enough to not only start up the time machine, but bring it around to enough different times that we could get a good use out of the core.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cSo, I\u2019m the chosen one?\u201d I asked.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201c….yes??\u201d he replied.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

It was then that the Robo-dogs finally broke through the door, but with a quick blast from the shower head, they were all melted into molten metal goop. \u201cAh, what a pleasant surprise\u2026 an IMSA shower causing something to overheat for once!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Blahaj gave me a set of keys. \u201cWell, son, I guess you\u2019re ready to go back to your own time. You can use this Tesla here. Godspeed.\u201d It was then that the old man started blasting \u201c<\/span>\u6ca1\u6709\u5171\u4ea7\u515a\u5c31\u6ca1\u6709\u65b0\u4e2d\u56fd<\/span>\u201d to attract the Social Credit bots, and I knew it was my time to leave. I powered up the Tesla, but I made the fatal mistake of putting the lever in forward instead of reverse. Before I could correct for this, the flimsy plastic handle snapped off, and I was sent flying forward in time.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I saw trillions of years of history unfold in front of me in a matter of seconds, powerless to move or even speak. Wars fought, societies built and destroyed again and again, new ways to procrastinate developed. Time marched on until when all the trees on campus seeded and died and seeded and died until there were no trees and no life to be shaded by them, when the earth was scorched by a monstrous, dying sun and there was no more grass left to touch. Beyond all the darkness and decay, though, there was still life and joy, and the indomitable human spirit stared the indifferent cruelty of the universe in the face and said \u201cNot today, [redacted]\u201d until the very end.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Just when I reached the end of time, and I accepted my fate, a voice called to me from the empty universe. \u201cYour time has not yet come, my child. You shall return to where you belong.\u201d Blahaj, the eternal shark, swam over to me and, with a smack of his tail, sent me flying back in time and space to quizbowl practice.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I arrived to practice five minutes late, but I was overjoyed to be at practice and all, and I knew then and there that I needed to cherish the time I spent with the seniors before they finally left and went off into the world. \u2190MORAL OF THE STORY<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cYou guys aren\u2019t going to BELIEVE what happened to me!\u201d I said as I stared at my teammates and Blahaj, who looked in my direction with a knowing gaze.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Saketh responded, \u201cI don\u2019t think we will.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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