{"id":38486,"date":"2024-01-23T12:13:31","date_gmt":"2024-01-23T18:13:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/sites.imsa.edu\/acronym\/?p=38486"},"modified":"2024-01-23T12:13:31","modified_gmt":"2024-01-23T18:13:31","slug":"imsa-quizbowl-a-thinly-veiled-cult","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/sites.imsa.edu\/acronym\/2024\/01\/23\/imsa-quizbowl-a-thinly-veiled-cult\/","title":{"rendered":"IMSA Quizbowl-a Thinly-Veiled Cult!"},"content":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve seen some truly stomach-churning things in my years as an investigative journalist, but nothing could have ever prepared me for what I witnessed when researching IMSA\u2019s Quizbowl team. These seemingly benign students, who cram their brains full of useless information they\u2019ve learned just to beat other nerds to tossups, are far more sinister under the surface. They have bizarre, frightening rituals where they sacrifice themselves, day in and day out, to win the approval of their true leader\u2013a sinister blue creature by the infamous name of \u201cBlahaj.\u201d They say the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn\u2019t exist. I didn\u2019t believe them until now.<\/span><\/p>\n

I began my process of going undercover to learn more about Quizbowl by posing as a student interested in studying literature and physics, and they took me in as one of their own. I quickly got to know the top brass there – Nathaniel Huang \u201824, the kind, knowledgeable geography, fine arts, and bio player with a \u2026heart\u2026 the size of Borneo. His co-captain was Stephen Walsh \u201824, an eccentric fellow who seemed to be having the Quizbowl nerd\u2019s equivalent of a midlife crisis, jumping back and forth between studying math, history, philosophy and social science, literature, and physics. The coach in charge of this motley crew was Dr. Kopff, leading them through their highs (like Stephen getting 6 powers in one game) and lows (like Stephen getting 6 negs in one game.) We were having fun reading through packets and studying random topics. In one day, however, the illusion was shattered.<\/span><\/p>\n

I walked into Quizbowl practice that frigid November afternoon ready for another laidback day, but something was different. The lights were turned off in A155, with only somber candles illuminating the dark room. The regular crowd was all there, but they wore mysterious robes. I stood perplexed in the doorway, frozen in this horrifying moment in time. At the front desk\u2013where Dr. Kopff would read from every week\u2013sat a small stuffed shark, its dark eyes staring into the very essence of my being. Several other new players arrived as well, equally confused.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBRETHREN!\u201d Stephen called out at once, \u201cJOIN US ON THIS HISTORIC OCCASION AND DECLARE YOUR TRUE ALLEGIANCE TO THIS CLUB. Advayth, you may give them their garments.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Advayth Pashupati \u201825, the technical-sophomore who was always rolling around like his happy-go-lucky self, walked forward silently and stoically and brought me a cloak, which I draped over my shoulders. Somehow, it fit me perfectly. When we all had the robes, the next chant began:<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIT\u2019S IN THE CARDS! IT\u2019S IN THE CARDS! IT\u2019S IN THE CARDS!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

This chant continued until Nathaniel stopped us at once. \u201cNow, we shall honor those no longer with us, our dearly departed players,\u201d he proclaimed. I then saw the picture of the former team in the corner. ]<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cGO, SAMUEL! DEPARTED TO WILLIAMS! MAY HIS GEO KNOWLEDGE BLESS US STILL!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cDONTARAJU, SAKETH! DEPARTED TO NYU! MAY HIS HISTORY KNOWLEDGE BLESS US STILL!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

With each name spoken, from Qin to Hunding to Nakiganda, I saw the people gradually disappear from the picture until one being remained. The shark.<\/span><\/p>\n

Stephen stepped forward once more, bringing out his iconic 450-page study binder, written in an arcane script unreadable by all but him. He took the book and bowed before the shark.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAlmighty Blahaj, incarnate of Quizbowl knowledge and spirit of all learning, we shall strive to be worthy of you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBLAHAJ!\u201d the team shouted.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFor it was with your stitching that was formed the new and eternal covenant of never-ending study in your glory.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBLAHAJ!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

My mind was racing, and I didn\u2019t know what to do. I hoped that something like a club announcement, maybe a generic Zuyu love poem for Student Council would snap me out of it, but nothing came. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd now, almighty BLAHAJ, I offer you my greatest sacrifice.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Stephen fell to the floor, and his knowledge began to be sucked up by the shark. The names flew past like a whirlwind: Jacobi, Eco, Dos Passos, Boris Gudanov. Until one remained: Stephen Walsh.<\/span><\/p>\n

And then, opening its gaping jaws, the shark consumed Stephen\u2019s soul, or whatever was left of it after two years at IMSA. Blahaj rose from the table, suspended in midair, with everyone merely looking on.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTHE OTHER SACRED TEXTS!\u201d the creature bellowed. \u201cBRING THEM FORWARD!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

]One by one, the quizbowlers gave Blahaj their nerdy books. Annabelle Zhang \u201824 brought forth Campbell’s biology textbook. Nathaniel had a book on African poetry. For Dylan Xianto \u201825, it was \u201cHow to restore Yugoslavia in three easy steps\u2013guaranteed results!\u201d This continued until Blahaj suddenly turned to me.<\/p>\n

\u201cNEWCOMER! WHAT HAVE YOU TO OFFER?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I gave Blahaj my terrible chem notes, all I had in my pocket. He took one look down and began to shake with cartilaginous rage.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cTHIS OFFERING\u2026 IS\u2026 UNACCEPTABLE. YOU CANNOT HIDE FROM ME\u2026 IN YOUR MIND!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I tried to run, but the surprisingly quick sophomores stopped me at once. My head was racing as Blahaj opened his jaw once more, and I knew my soul was his to devour. There was no escape.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

To be continued in part II. <\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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