Beware the Wrath of the Geese

As autumn rolls around, IMSA’s campus will soon be filling up with new guests: Canadian Geese. In addition to its almost 660 students, the school plans on hosting over 200 geese as well. They stop by in early fall for a quick break in their travel toward the south and then come flying back mid-spring.

Many students might be curious about the new residents or even try to get closer to learn more about them, but beware! Even though their names have the word “Canada” in front of it, please don’t be fooled. IMSA geese are nowhere near as nice as your typical Canada goose (and even normal Canada geese have quite a temper). No, IMSA geese wake up at the crack of dawn and start their horrible honking, and once they start, it’s a chain reaction, spreading to every other goose on campus. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself roused out of your sleep one morning by the cacophony.

In addition, IMSA geese are MEAN CREATURES. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to get close to them, for they are not afraid to attack and bite. You might ask, “What can geese possibly ever do to me?” Well then, my friend, you have obviously never seen the damage geese can do. They will gather in a group and surround you, honking malevolently. If you make a single move, they will close in on you and bite anything they can get their beaks on. They will peck at your legs and beat you with their wings until you are completely and utterly defeated.

But the worst part? IMSA geese are not afraid of students. You can walk right towards them and they will hold their ground. You can be less than a foot away from one, and they will stare you down. “Why,” you ask. “Why aren’t they afraid of people?” The answer is simply because the geese live off of our suffering. It is a well-known fact that the reason why there are so many geese at IMSA is because they live off of our lost hours of sleep, they thrive from our long-forgotten motivation, and they frolic in our vanished brain cells. The more we suffer, the more they prosper.