The Presidential Guide to Dodging Responsibilities

IMSA and stress are nearly synonymous, but they don’t have to be! In fact, the best solution to stress is to ignore it. Here are three easy ways to handle your problems in the most presidential way:

1. Golf! The perfect time to take a break is during your quarterly end-of-term crisis, when you’re academically swamped, or when thousands of your people are drowning. In fact, drive the cart yourself, it’s so much fun!
2. DUE DATES ARE FAKE NEWS. Don’t fall for the manipulation of your teacher’s scheduling! Do your assignments on your own time and, when pressed, remind them that they were grateful you turned in your homework two weeks ago and that their disappointment now is due to a conspiratorial manipulation by the school board. For your convenience, I’ve provided a script: “I have done a great job with the almost impossible situation in [INSERT CLASS NAME]. Outside of the Fake News [Due dates!] or academically motivated ingrates, people are now starting to recognize the amazing work that has been done by me and my great skills.”
3. Do not, under any circumstances, forget to accuse your teacher of being too lazy to write their own paper. Make sure to tell them that you’re doing your best, but that they should not forget to contribute, as well. Remind them of how SAD it is when people rely on others for everything, and how hard work builds character. They will try to deceive you with words like “college” and “professional” and “this is my job!” but don’t pay them any mind. They’re just making excuses. In fact, if they push too hard, see step 1 again.

So, don’t stress too much or work yourself to death! It’s definitely possible, in some cases even easy, to be successful without putting in any real work. All it takes is the lack of a conscience, a hobby (golf), and a toupee. Happy dodging!