[Valentine’s Edition] A Step-by-Step Guide: Gifts that Never Impress

So the big Valentine’s day is coming up and even though it’s quite commonly known that the Saint Valentine was brutally murdered on this day, people just like to focus on the love. Sure why not? A day for love isn’t that sweet? And so the hunting begins with thinking of sweet, romantic gestures for loved ones or potential loves. Well just to clear things up front, here is a guide to help you readers in the way of sweet presents. Just as long as you pick nothing similar to whatever is on this guide, I can assure you that you won’t be dumped physically in any garbage cans or mentally by whoever you just disappointed. So read carefully, and in the end just make sure your present comes from your heart and remember to spread the love to all your friends!

1. When your loved one gets you chocolates…wait for it…oh yeah it’s just chocolates.

Do NOT under any circumstances think that it is ok to just satisfy your boo with chocolates. Sure YOU might think it’s ok because hey it’s sweet..like literally sweet, looks nice with the heart shape and all, and you can purchase it for wide ranges of costs whether you want to be frugal or not. Chocolates are actually the least sweet thing to give to loved ones(other than when you are asking them to dances) because it makes them fat, and it just shows that you forgot to get them anything and so you were trying to make up for that. Okay to be fair, you can give chocolates if it is combined with something else, but really just chocolates? You could have just written them a song instead, at least that is FREE!

2. ONLY in Snow White does poisoned food lead to true love. In real life it leads to prison!

Going along with the chocolates, it’s pretty helpful if you don’t try to poison your potential crush. Just yesterday I had people try to convince me that the best way to show affection was to sabotage the food you give people things they were allergic to or just tasted bad. Sure homemade food is sweet because you put your blood, sweat, tears and hours of wasted time into it for that one special person. BUT don’t think that giving a person allergic to nuts, cupcakes filled with nuts is fine. I mean this could be appropriate if you’re trying to fulfill the true meaning of Valentine’s day. I mean saint valentines was killed on this very day. IF that is your true intention than by all means feed that person apples filled with blades or even sabotage those chocolates with poison. Just don’t get caught…prison is not lovely!

3. Roses are red, Violets are blue, oh dearest true love…

Next on the list, the age old tradition of serenading someone. So you want to serenade the love of your life…and then you start describing things about them…and then you offend them. SMOOTH. If their fat don’t serenade them about being fat in fact don’t even try to go on thesaurus.com and look up a euphemism for fat.  As a girl, guys always try to convince me that I’m not ugly, but there are just times that I know I’m ugly and hey I don’t even care. When you describe a girl like she just fell from heaven yeah sure it sounds sweet. But everybody in the room knows you just want to get the girl, more than you care about her. Here’s an alternative. Say you hate someone. Valentine’s day is PERFECT for you. Create a song with every despicable lyric possible relieve your stress and hatred. I advise you not to send or sing those lyrics as it may cost you your life(that’s my liability insurance right there).

4. Flowers everywhere. Wait…dead flowers?

Roses are red, violets blue if you ask me, I think this is nothing new. Actually, I love flowers I wish every day that someone either write me a letter or send me flowers. But on Valentine ’s Day, do not under any circumstances think it’s ok to send people dead flowers.  I shouldn’t even have to explain this. If you get slapped for this, then you’ll understand why.

5. Christmas? Easter?

What is Valentine’s day? A day generally filled with love, colors in different shades of red or purple and lots of romance. So how in the world could you mix this up with another holiday? In fact Valentine’s day is the ONLY major holiday in February unless you religiously celebrate President’s day. Therefore, giving a Christmas present today is not ok. Halloween candy on Valentine’s day is not ok. On the contrary Easter presents on Valentine’s Day might be acceptable if you know how to disguise them well. After all Easter has the same adorable animals, candy, colorfulness as Valentine’s Day.

6. Mirror Mirror on the wall…who is the awesome-est of them all?

Let’s make one thing clear about this special day. It’s for loved ones, not you, for loved ones. Strategically planning a present for yourself is the most ridiculous idea ever. Not to completely stomp on your self-esteem or anything and yes you are just as important as everyone else. But if you really wanted a present why not just treat yourself to something special or at least leave really “inconspicuous” hints to your friends?

7. Dear true love, I hope you sincerely enjoy this vacuum cleaner which embodies my deepest love. If you’re planning to do something for a special someone you should at least know something about them.  Doesn’t take that much effort, you can even consider this a wonderful opportunity to stalk them or bond with your friends by stalking them. Whichever method you choose, I guarantee that interesting moments will come out of it!

8. Nothing.

Enough said on this one. If you end up fearing for your life and or hiding from some angry crush, just remember.. .I warned you.

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