True Account of a College Acceptance

Dear Applicant,

Congratulations! We are excited to inform you that you have been accepted into Star College. We’re looking forward to you joining our community of sleepwalkers, math nuts, bio nerds, and students who, even after three years, have not decided what they are going to major in.

Your application was reviewed on an individual basis and not at all compared with those of other students from your school who also applied to Star (wink wink). We deemed that your endless list of activities, awards, and community service projects was enough for us to like you. Club leader, class president, ran your school, and also managed not to make anyone jealous. On top of that, you’re a musician and artist (do you have a life?)!  Is there anything you can’t do?

Your classroom work impressed as well. I didn’t see a non-AP class, which makes sense, I guess, considering the 15 AP test scores that you submitted. I’m really impressed with your dedication to your studies and your relationship with your teachers, especially the teachers who submitted your recommendations (god I would have hated you if I went to your school).

You won’t be disappointed when you come to Star. Why else would you have attended every one of our events around where you live? We offer the best opportunities for students to further their education, develop a stable career for themselves and cure cancer or something. Our professors all have some sort of award to their name and are so excited to engage in a new year of innovation, inquiry, and intrigue with your class. Seek them out and take advantage of everything we offer you. Make the money worth it!

There’s no need to tell you of everything else that we have to offer. From your application, it seemed like you knew more about Star than me. Either way, anything I tell you definitely won’t change your mind. We’re the number one ranked college in every category possible, for Pete’s sake. Any application to our school should basically be an early decision application.

Well, have fun this summer before doing work that actually matters (and gets you a job) begins. Good luck and have fun…surviving :).

Sincerely Yours,

I’m Retiring Now