The Exciting Plan for an IMSA Subway

It was good to be back on campus for another in-person year at IMSA, and pandemic trends allowed more lenient mask and social distancing guidelines. Just when it seemed like things were getting back to normal, an intruder found his way onto campus, and his 40-minute unwelcomed stay set us back by months.

Much to the chagrin of 05, 06, and 07 students, the main entrance was designated as the only entrance and exit point for the rest of the semester. Couple that with the dismal weather we’ve had, from entire days below freezing in November to the dreary rains of December, and it paints a rather bleak picture of life on campus. Luckily for us, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel… with the construction of the new IMSA subway!

IMSA admin has recently greenlit a proposal to construct a subway system to connect all of IMSA, from the furthest reaches of 07 beyond the setting sun to the baseball field in the far east. While one might think that budgeting constraints would make such a bold endeavor impossible, the inventive minds at IMSA can always be counted on to find a solution. 

“The subway should pay for itself in only 20 years if we charge $5.00 a ride,” said one board member, “which is a price I’d certainly pay to avoid the ever-present threat of an intruder we have to worry about these days.” 

Construction is planned to begin this spring break. Several thousand pounds of high explosives have been purchased to clear out the ground, and will be stored in the AdChem room until then. As for the train cars themselves, there have been a variety of proposals put forward. An idea proposed by the author was to purchase Union Pacific locomotive #4014 to pull cars for the subway, although a few cheap, cynical individuals claimed that this was “absurd,” “costly,” and “in no way a viable SIR project.” 

A more frugal proposal is to use the sturdy plastic carts found in many hall commons as rolling stock, and connect them to form a train set. Different methods of moving the trains have been proposed, such as magnetic levitation provided by superconductors “borrowed” from Fermilab and the use of security golf carts as locomotives. 

An especially thrifty option would use student volunteers to pull the trains and slightly change the service hour requirements by adding 600 hours of train volunteering. This idea isn’t without controversy, however, as many have raised concerns that it would make Moving and Learning obsolete, depriving the student body of an essential IMSA experience.

Regardless of what form the subway might take, IMSA students can be certain that long, tiring walks to the main building and panic about intruders are things of the past. Illinois’ best and brightest will soon have the luxury of getting to the main building from their halls in a mere 10 minutes… all without breaking a sweat!