IMSA admin, as a part of their lengthy agreement with the teacher’s union following their WGA solidarity strike, is proud to announce that students can look forward to over twenty new classes for the following school year. The Acronym was able to acquire the class list thanks to the valiant efforts of a board member who dropped his copy walking out from the meeting. Here are just a few of the many new classes we can look forward to.
History/Social Sciences Department
History Will Absolve Me: How to do Terrible Things and Get Away With it
Taught by: Dr. Eric Smith
Remember how Che Guevara had people executed without trial? Remember when Woodrow Wilson showed a film praising the Klan in the oval office? Remember the time that Cleopatra had her sister killed at the behest of her adulterous lover? Pepperidge Farm remembers, yet, surprisingly, nobody else seems to. This class will teach you all about how to brush your misdeeds and bad behavior under history’s proverbial carpet to give the textbooks a look at the “real you.” Students will learn about image crafting since the dawn of time, when Dinosaurs tried to convince paleontologists that they weren’t giant feather-clad freaks, up to more recent times, such as Ted Kennedy’s Chappaquiddick incident, all the way up to the convenient “disappearance” of the Epstein client list. For the final, students will need to make an offensive, out-of-touch social media post, then remove it so thoroughly from the web that no future college, employer, or spouse can ever find it.
Ye Olde Matchmaker: Finding History’s Greatest Couples Who Could Have Been
Taught by: Dr. Sheila Wille
Mary, Queen of Scots, and Britney Spears? Joan of Arc and Muhammad Ali? Maimonides and Sarah Silverman? Comb through the history books to find the perfect matches between A-listers throughout the ages in this riveting new class from the history department. Back up your romantic claims with solid historical evidence in the most speculative class since spec fic! For your final project, find your perfect historical match, and, courtesy of the physics department, use the Paradox-Free* IMSA shower time machine to meet them! Note: Broken hearts not covered by insurance. *Paradox-free as long as you don’t go to 1930’s New York and fall in love. Long story.
Write Like Hemingway and Faulkner, as in, with the run-on sentences that seem to go on forever and just when you’re about to get to the end of the page there’s more characters talking and which one is Barnes and which one is Brett and which one is Cohn and oh my I think it’s time I took a seat on this lovely bench which I will go into a description of now, that’s mighty fine hickory wood, is it not, and I should probably end this segment with a character telling me to “go to hell.”
Taught by: Dr. Eric Rettberg
“This class will teach you to write just like Hemingway and Faulkner.”
“Come on, everyone knows about these great writers and their masterpieces of modernist literature, and I’d love to go into further description. My god, are you drunk?”
“No, in fact, it’s been three years since I’ve even had an Arnold Palmer.”
“Guess you probably haven’t felt like drinking since the war.”
“What war? Where are we? Who are we? Who’s talking?”
“Always so many questions.”
“Go to hell.”
Physical Bio-Chem: The Long-Awaited Crossover Event
Taught by: Dr. Joseph Golab
Like Avengers, Endgame, and my neighbor’s ongoing conflict with the HOA, ATF, and FBI, science has lots of seemingly disjointed story lines that finally come together into one great crossover: Physical Bio-Chem! It’s the class that combines hard-to-visualize biochemicals with hard-to-visualize physics problems–but one thing that won’t be hard to visualize is the fun you’ll have in this class! Take part in exciting labs such as: If you give a mouse acute radiation poisoning, and How does a lightning strike affect the production of norepinephrine? What are you waiting for? Sign up for Physical Bio-Chem today!
Computer Science Department
William Faulkner-level College Essays on a Dan Brown-Level Budget: Training the Perfect College Essay Chatbot
Taught by: Mr. Tom Meyer (retired)
There are a few old-fashioned prudes who might claim that the widespread use of AI to write college essays erodes the truth itself and can have devastating consequences for worldwide education. To them, I say the same thing I said to my parents after I barricaded myself in my room, refused all sustenance except PrimeTM energy drink and communication through any other medium but Instagram reels–get with the times! You’ll find out there’s nothing “immoral” or “shady” about making the most of what resources you have available to you for writing–namely, machine learning, ChatGPT, and the coding knowledge you’ll learn in this class!
Hollywood Coding 101
Taught by: Dr. Phadmakar Patankar
You know how blockbuster movies and popular tv shows have a “programmer” character who can perform seemingly impossible feats? Well, they didn’t just learn it overnight—and neither will you. This class teaches you all you need to know about Hollywood coding, starting with the classic “image magnification,” where you turn 16 pixels of a grainy satellite image into an HD image of a reclusive villain’s timeshare in Aruba. You’ll also train your fingers to type code at an inhuman speed of 300 words per minute, and so well you won’t even need any debugging. Ever. For your final exam, you’ll join an elite military squad on a secret mission to knock out the Russian and Chinese power grids, and, for extra credit, North Korea, Iran, and Belarus.
Top 10 Secret Tricks Big Math Doesn’t Want you to know—#4 will amaze you!
Taught by: Dr. Micah Fogel
Ever wonder how the big shots of the math world can crank out so many papers and novel proofs all the time? No, it’s not because they were dedicated to their education and passionate about their studies, they’re a part of an elitist conspiracy to keep the ordinary mathematicians at bay! From Dr. Fogel, author of Elliptic Curves of Madness: Andrew Wiles and the dark secrets of Operation Desert Storm, and Leonhard Euler: Lizard-man! comes a class that teaches the math tricks that the Ivy League fat cats won’t. Examples include: Foolproof 2-second primality test, (NO Carmichael numbers) shoelace formula 4-, 5- and 6-D, and one-case-fits-all integral substitution.
Introduction to Axiomatic Set Theory, Brought to you by: Refreshing Pepsi-Cola
Taught by: Kendall Jenner – Guest Lecturer
0 Credits – Have a Pepsi
She stopped racism by giving a cop a Pepsi in 2018, and, in unaired commercials burned by PepsiCo, she stopped the Uyghur genocide, human trafficking, and the church abuse scandal in a similar fashion. Now, Kendall Jenner faces her greatest foe yet: advanced math. This class begins with how Georg Cantor introduced the first, “naive” formulation of set theory, which was riddled with many paradoxes, just like how Coca-Cola and Dr Pepper are riddled with terrible taste problems. Then, we delve further into the Zermelo-Fraenkel set theory, with or without the axiom of choice ZF(C), just like how you can get Pepsi with or without sugar for the same great taste. We look at at ordinals such as the von Neumann ordinals, and examining the idea of the limit ordinal, which is the smallest ordinal that is neither zero nor directly succeeds another ordinal, just like how Pepsi’s amazing taste is so great that no other soda can ever come close to it.