Safety at IMSA: Unrecognized dangers lurking behind every corner!

Safety is, besides test scores and college admissions, IMSA’s primary concern, and for good reason. The Acronym interviewed Stephen Walsh, President of the Students’ Organization for Safety (SOS), for some tips about staying safe.

A “shocking” revelation about safety around electrical outlets

According to Mr. Walsh, an unrecognized safety problem at IMSA is electrical outlets and their misuse. 

“I’ve seen vacuums with plugs that had one or even two prongs missing, especially since I used those vacuums every night for housekeeping.  You could put the plug in upside down without realizing it, which can be a real eyesore. The plugs are also more liable to snap back when the vacuum is pulled far enough away, potentially hitting a student illegally wearing socks or sandals in the hallway and causing irreversible toe damage. I shudder just thinking about it.”

Mr. Walsh denied any threat from potential shocks or electrical fires in these plugs, stating: “electricity is like a stream of little lighting bolts in a river. What’s the difference if they go in one plug or another? Hey, remember the schoolhouse rock song about electricity? Now there’s a solid piece of educational music if I’ve ever seen one. So much better than that Cocomelon crap, which, now that I actually think of it, is thinly-veiled communist propaganda…”

Security vehicles: cute but deadly

Ah, the quintessential security car. Zipping around campus like a fleet-footed cheetah—and yet, just like a cheetah, it can strike out of nowhere. 

“Yeah, one night me and the boys were walking back from a tough workout, blasting the ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ soundtrack from our Bluetooth speaker, as real men tend to do… and then, out of the blue, we almost got run over by a security vehicle! It could happen to you!”

The Lexington chicken roulette

Lexington chicken, also known as Lexington pigeon, is an IMSA delicacy with unusual properties, many of which were previously thought by food scientists to be impossible.

“Chicken at Lexington sure is a conundrum,” Mr. Walsh observed. “Sometimes it looks like slow cooker meat, but it has the texture of beef jerky. Occasionally, it’ll be drenched in sauce but bone-dry on the inside. It truly is one of life’s great mysteries.”

The main threat is the elusive undercooked chicken breast that appeared infamously on IMSA-related social media. Mr. Walsh advises simply stabbing the meat with a knife to determine its properties and find dangers in advance. “As long as the inside of the chicken isn’t pink and it doesn’t take a saw to cut through it, you should be fine.”

The NileRed effect

Chemistry enthusiast and Youtuber NileRed has been making his rounds on the internet with humorous and educational videos exploring such concepts as piranha solution and imitation gold. It’s clear that youngsters should not try this at home, but the appeal of blowing things up is often too strong to ignore for adolescents. 

Children’s television advocacy group Mothers Against Everything has ranked NileRed as the third most dangerous role model for children in history, surpassed only by Taliban mascots Mikey the Molotov cocktail and Barney the dinosaur. Whether the presence of NileRed syndrome is felt at IMSA is yet to be seen, but countless broken beakers and chemical burns suggest it is.

Help, my computer spontaneously combusts whenever I compile a /LaTeX/ document!

“Don’t get me wrong, guys, I love math as much as the next IMSA student, but for some unknown reason, my computer bursts into flames when I’m typing homework! I’m always just one problem away from finishing at 5 in the morning whenever this happens. Unfortunately, I’ve had to turn in homework late because of this problem, and it’s definitely not senior burnout and overcommitment!”

Mr. Walsh then broke into spontaneous, uncontrollable laughter, and the Acronym realized that it would be futile to continue the interview. Sometimes, the most dangerous thing at IMSA isn’t the weather, the chemicals, or the machines. Sometimes, it’s ourselves. Stay safe, everyone!