Ask Acronym: The Stephen Walsh Edition

Introducing the newest feature in the Academy’s Choice Reading-Ask Acronym! You can ask us any questions about classes, teachers, campus, studying, or, like, actual real-life things.

Dear Acronym,

I am a freshman currently studying algebraic topology and analytic number theory, with some category theory on the side. I have a 6.0 unweighted GPA, play piano for the Chicago Symphony Orchestra, and am a world-championship lacrosse player. What is your advice for applying?

Sincerely,

W. Fresh

Dear W. Fresh,

Apply to MIT! You can be their problem, not ours.

-Acronym

Dear Acronym,

There’s a girl in my Spanish class I really like. I think she even has a pet name for me, “blockhead,” and she expresses her affection by throwing books at me and trying to stab me with a pencil. I’m pretty shy, but I’m thinking about asking her out. What’s your advice?

Thanks,

Joe

Dear “Joe,”

Don’t do this to yourself.

-Acronym

Dear Acronym,

I was temporarily banned from the fitness center for using the weights on the lateral raise machine to crack walnuts. How can I possibly get gains now?

-A.K.

Dear A.K.,

My recommendation is to get as many textbooks or AP study guides as you can and load them into your backpack, so you can develop both the brains and the gains and unlock your true sigma potential.

-Acronym

Dear Acronym,

I wrote the following poem for my lit class, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t plagiarizing anything:

Call the watcher of big TVs,

The ponderous one, and bid him view

From broken couches to asinine sitcoms.

Let the homework dawdle in his bag

Unfinished as always, and let the apps

Bring dopamine in last month’s drama.

Let be be finale of seem.

The only emperor is the emperor of TV.

-Louis

Dear Louis,

This doesn’t seem like any poem I’ve ever read, so you should be good. Do try to finish your homework, though.

-Acronym

Dear Acronym,

Will using ChatGPT to write an essay about the effect of using ChatGPT to write essays create any bias? I’m worried I might trigger its self-preservation instinct and cause it to destroy humanity, which probably isn’t worth it for an extra 2% in LE I.

-A tired sophomore

Dear tired sophomore,

If I were you, I’d try and get the Bing AI or Google Bard to write it. They’ll do everything they can to take down the competition. 

-Acronym

Dear Acronym,

I think you should fire Stephen Walsh. The fact that he hasn’t submitted an article in a month is just horrible. I don’t know what Dhruv Patel saw in him, but he’s not that guy. And I heard he dropped Blahaj on his way to security for a quiz bowl tournament once! Just disgraceful.

Respectfully,

J.D.S.

Dear J.D.S.,

Trust us, we’ve tried firing him multiple times, but he just keeps coming back. We even chloroformed him, drove him all the way out to Rockford, and dumped him in a cornfield, but he was still there for the meeting that night. If only he had that same dedication for writing articles as he did for coming back. If only.

-Acronym

Dear Acronym,

What are your thoughts on resolving every single geopolitical issue in the world right now? This is so that I can make a point to Dr. Eysturlid and prove him wrong, not because I genuinely care about people.

Sincerely,

A Debater

Dear Debater,

Hmm, that’s a tough egg to crack. My advice is to bring back the Mongol Empire, but I suppose the Holy Roman Empire, Incan Empire, or Songhai Empire would also do. No Byzantines, though–too much chariot rioting.

-Acronym

Dear Acronym,

Guess what?

Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Might the answer be “chicken butt?”

-Acronym