The Teacher Conspiracy

AURORA, IL – A new, undercover study has revealed that IMSA’s teachers are plotting against their students. Recently, our reporters contacted the Acronym’s unassociated adult liaison, Mr. Spy, in order to sit in on some teacher meetings to find out what truly goes on. Posing as a teacher’s assistant, Mr. Spy attended several meetings over the course of the month of April. What he discovered, that teachers coordinate essays and tests in order to overload their students during strategic times, is shocking to the administration but not so shocking to the students.

“We’ve known all along,” one anonymous student said, “It’s just a matter of being proven right.”

According to Mr. Spy, IMSA teachers have biweekly meetings during which they discuss future assignments to give their students. During these meetings, they show great enthusiasm for assigning a myriad of assignments all due for the same week, especially at the end of the year.

“This year is apparently particularly exciting for the teachers,” Mr. Spy said. He elaborated, “Because of the IMSA flu, there is plenty of opportunity to crunch the students during the end of the year. This all comes to a head at the end of May: finals.”

Finals is the culmination of months of planning on the teachers’ part. As teachers coordinate to give the students last minute tests and essays, forcing them to study for their finals in the last vestiges of their free time, they also pile on study guides and warnings about the difficulty of the final test.

Why do all this? The answer is still mysterious. After all, more assignments means more for teachers to grade. It’s not out of the question to consider masochistic tendencies, but the idea probably doesn’t account for the fervor with which teachers assign their students work. Could it be that teachers are also feeling stressed at the end of the year, rushing to finish the curriculum? We find it unlikely.

But we will not let this mystery drop. We have proven that the teachers are plotting against us, and we won’t rest until we find out why.

For now, the student body can still take action. By boycotting finals entirely, along with turning in sub-par essays, we will surely win against the teachers. This plan is sure to work – carefully vetted, considered, and weighed, it is not misguided at all.