Senior U Bench: A Seat of No Great Standing

Throughout my growth from a panicky sophomore to a panicky junior, the Senior U Bench stood in my mind as a mystical entity whose purpose would become known only during senior year. I accepted the word of a male biology teacher who once explained to me that the bench provides “mystical powers of procrastination.”  When I finally began my senior year, at first I took great joy in the seating arrangement but before long, a hollow feeling grew about the hallowed ground. The inculcation in my mind of sophomores’ eloquent and convincing argument, apparently that the general existence of the Senior U bench “is just not fair,” finally convinced me to stop being a benchwarmer and to take action. Those sophomoric complaints opened my eyes to the true classist and discriminatory beliefs for which the bench stands. It is the foundation upon which all class distinctions are created. I mean, surely the partitioning of seating (and of classes in general) would not occur naturally without the said bench.

Some disillusioned proponents of the U Bench argue that the discriminatory seating is justified because the inability to sit on the bench as sophomores and juniors pays off during senior year with a tangible and significant reward. As all students can look forward to eventually sitting on the bench, no students are significantly excluded. However, I charge those students and their weak claims to take a seat to the real problem, the inconvenient seating arrangements for underclassmen. How many times have students missed class because instead of having the option to sit on the hard bench, they have been forced to rely on the soporific Old Caf couches? How many times have students been late to MSI because they spent too long resting in the middle of their break on their taxing trek from the TV pit to A200 as there was no closer seating available to shorten their journey? It is time for such injustices to stop.

Join me in toppling this symbol of malice and inequality. To demonstrate our righteous fury, I propose a revolution: Let us level the table for students of differing levels by leveling the bench. You may then ask, why stop there? We must remove all couches and benches in the school.  We will start by dismantling the Old Caf and next, bring our saws to the Pearson Lecture hall. It is only once all such possible distinctions are eliminated that the students of IMSA can sit together in a truly equal environment for living and learning. We will create that future for ourselves, although, just so you know, when that day comes, seniors call the AC Pit.