College application season is in full swing, which means we’ll see on average 50% more eye bags and 200% more nervous breakdowns in the senior class, as they send their entire lives off to be scrutinized by a faceless amalgamation of unforgiving admissions officers. Each senior has a different response to this stress, though, so The Acronym thought we’d help you distinguish who’s who among the exasperated class of ’24.
The MIT simp:
This senior can be distinguished by a backpack encumbered with two editions of Barron’s SAT prep so they can get their measly 1570 up to an acceptable 1590, and their continuous usage of an MIT promotional pen they got from a college fair in 2019. They decided to take a lighter course load this semester, down to three math classes from four last semester. In the 90% probability that they’re denied, they can hedge their bets with their safety schools–Caltech, Stanford, and UChicago.
The UChicago ED’r:
This senior spends almost 12 hours a week on the UChicago campus, six for her SIR and the other six to stalk professors and admissions counselors and learn everything she can about the campus to boost the supplemental essays. In addition, she’s intensely studied the works of Orson Welles, Martin Scorsese, Stanley Kubrick, and that MCU guy, what’s-his-face, to craft the perfect application video, for which she’s also contacted Ice Spice for a cameo. UChicago ED’rs can be divided into two groups: Bikrant and everyone else. The main difference is that Bikrant is applying as a tenured professor.
The unironic college player:
This senior is a board member of every club on campus, including four known only to admin and six that will be chartered this spring. He has every Saturday this year, even during breaks, devoted to a competition of some kind. He’s not just an academic powerhouse, though: he also plays every sport, meaning that any free time not spent at a club meeting or studying is spent in the fitness center, where he multitasks by attending virtual club meetings and studying between sets. What major is he applying for, you might ask? Computer Science, with a minor in business.
The UIUC stalwart:
This senior, much like the author, upon looking at their grades and extracurriculars, has reached the final stage of the college admissions process: acceptance. UIUC is the only school they’re applying for, and if they’re denied, they’ll have to do the unthinkable–get a paid apprenticeship!
The Stephen Walsh:
This senior is AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The CCP College Comrade:
This senior is aware that we’ll all be speaking Mandarin and bowing to Chairman Xi within two decades, so they’re getting a jump start by applying to Chinese schools. They proudly stand against the evil ideals of the fascist West–democracy, liberalism, individualism, self-defense, free speech, and whatnot.
The “I just want to see Dhruv Patel again, bro. I miss him so much, but he’s at Harvard, bro. How am I getting into Harvard? It’s just not fair he just like me frfr:”
I think this one explains itself.