How to Get a Date for Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and many of us don’t have boyfriends, girlfriends, or otherwise called romantic partners to share the holiday with. Unfortunately for us, it’s impossible to enjoy Valentine’s Day without one. After all, celebrating platonic and familial love is so second grade.

Don’t worry. Even if it’s the last moment, there’s still time. Here are a few simple ways to get a date to enjoy the holiday with.

1. Look around the room you’re sitting in right now and find the nearest person of your preferred gender(s). If there are none, get up and walk out of the room. Walk until you find someone. As soon as you see them, whether you know their name or have ever seen them before, ask them out. If they don’t have a significant other, they’ll probably be desperate enough to take anyone, just like you. Need ideas for how to do it? Isabel Chen’s article “ISMA Pick-Up Lines for Ethically Creative Teens” is for you.
2. Maybe you’re more discerning in the matters of life and love, and you won’t settle for just anyone. If your crush is single, you could shoot your shot and ask them out, but why do that when they might say “no”? It’s better to be safe and only spend time with people you don’t actually care about. Even so, you might as well make sure those people are attractive. Make an Excel spreadsheet of all the people you know who might say “yes” to you and rate them by their attractiveness and other qualities of your choosing. Now, go down the list and ask each person out. By the end of the day, you should have the perfect date.
3. If all else fails, you can always ask your best friend out. Make it clear that it’s not really romantic and spend the day making over the top gestures to one another. Insult Valentine’s Day and all the cheesy couples who love it while feeding each other chocolate. Watch a rom-com and detail to each other all the ways it’s unrealistic. Offer to them the largest bouquet of roses you could find from the picked-over selection at the grocery store. And remember, you’re not really celebrating Valentine’s Day or love, but pointing out how dumb it is to the rest of the world.

Armed with these strategies, you’ll be sure to have some sort of date to help you survive the holiday. All-day long, you can smile at each other while eating chocolate and smelling flowers, and then afterwards…. Yeah, don’t ask us. Advice about healthy relationships is way above our pay grade.