Ah, Valentine’s Day. A day of love shared with that special someone, a day to celebrate your romantic success –
Well, of course, there are people who are celebrating their romantic success. Though you’re still not convinced that those people aren’t androids, placed here by the universe specifically to make you miserable.
On that note, if you’re already going to be miserable on Valentine’s Day, why not go big?
Presenting “The Single Person’s Five Step Guide to Being Miserable on Valentine’s Day”:
- Wake up late. Don’t wake yourself up with a refreshing shower or a light and healthy breakfast, but instead groan and moan in bed before stumbling up and stuffing a donut in your face.
- Consume romantic media. Watch your favorite movies about romance and love. Watch your favorite YouTube couple. Read your favorite romance novel. Forget about uplifting stories about people who don’t happen to have significant others. Consume only the media that convinces you that true love is the only way you’ll ever be complete.
- Stay alone in your room. Don’t go out on a refreshing walk in the brisk February air. Don’t call up your friends to see if they’re free – definitely don’t call them up if they’re single. You don’t want to spend all your time around someone who’s miserable.
- Don’t take this time to get ahead on your homework – or start that long-awaited personal project. Instead, cry in your room while you stuff your face with that junk food that you’re not even sure you actually like. Why be productive when you could be sad?
- Feel sorry for yourself. Don’t call up your favorite relative and tell them how you love them. Don’t take time to appreciate what you do have. Focus on what you don’t have and all the ways you’ve failed in life. Forget about your accomplishments.
And remember – if you’re single and sad about it, there’s nothing you can do except cry about your circumstances. Self-improvement? You’re pretty sure I just made that word up.
You know, you can mix self-pity and pleasure. Follow all of the instructions above but with a piece of dark chocolate in your mouth…