Second Semester Senior Pleads Guilty to Trying Too Hard
AURORA, IL – As she stood before a jam-packed Aurora courthouse last Tuesday, senior IMSA student Gretchen Wiener stood strong as the Senior Council read a litany of charges against…
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The Best Places to Cry on IMSA’s Campus
IMSA is full of ups and downs, but sometimes it feels like a succession of downs. Eventually, you have to let out all of your pent-up frustration and sadness. Although…
How to be Miserable on Valentine’s Day
Ah, Valentine’s Day. A day of love shared with that special someone, a day to celebrate your romantic success – Wait, success? Well, of course, there are people who are…
The Sodexo Milk Conspiracy
This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. After years of dispensing milk out of machines, Sodexo has instead switched to stocking the cafeteria with flimsy red…
From Matt Damon’s Diary: “On Women”
Dear Matt, There are two types of women. I will differentiate between the two using the labels “Woman 1” and “Woman 2.” Woman 1 is tricky. She is often straightforward,…
High Death Toll Predicted for Annual ‘2-Week Heating Stall’ in Halls
Across campus, dorm lights flicker on, parkas cram into wardrobes, and administration prepares to shut off heating in another “2-Week Stall” in order to freeze away a few more contributors…