Sophomore Rush Rates Reach Record High

If you see two sophomores with their hands in this arrangement, call the sophomore rush hotline immediately. - Source: Pixabay

to sophomore rush – v. to get into an IMSA relationship before Homecoming of one’s sophomore year

Despite consistent warnings, sophomore rush rates have reached a record high this year, with sophomore relationships springing up left and right.

“Our team is currently working to identify the causes behind the increased rates this year,” the Head of the Sophomore Rush Containment Committee, Neal Sofrush, said in a public statement.

But the Sophomore Rush Containment Committee may actually be increasing the problem. Every year of its existence, sophomore rush rates have gone up, and many sophomores have reported that they never considered sophomore rushing until they heard it existed.

“After I heard about it, it just seemed necessary,” one sophomore reported. “I just feel like I can’t be a sophomore without experiencing all the quintessential sophomore things. I haven’t even stopped wearing my lanyard around my neck yet!”

Meanwhile, many juniors and seniors have continued to take a hardline stance against sophomore rushing. “We understand the appeal,” said one senior, holding hands with her boyfriend. “But really, everybody knows that high school relationships can only be well thought-out after Homecoming sophomore year.” With this, she turned to her boyfriend, clasping his other hand. “Isn’t that right, smoochiekins?”

When they heard about the problem, the administration reported that they will get straight to work on banning all romantic relationships at IMSA. Despite the reporter’s only concern being about sophomore rushing, she can’t help but agree with the administration after interviewing one too many sappy couples.

Luckily, 2018’s sophomore rush season will soon come to a close with the Homecoming dance just a few days away. For now, upperclassmen are encouraged to monitor their sophomores for any suspicious activity with any other IMSA students. Classic sophomore rush signs and symptoms include hand-holding, chaste kisses, and a 100% or more increase of drama in the student’s general vicinity. If you suspect one of your underclassmen of sophomore rushing, please call the sophomore rush hotline.

About the Author

Mara Adams
Hailing from Peoria, Illinois, Mara Adams is a junior at IMSA, currently residing in 03C. She's the humor section editor this year, and promises to bring all of IMSA the latest not-so-truthful (and yet strangely believable) news.

1 Comment on "Sophomore Rush Rates Reach Record High"

  1. Davis’ BC I class had to derive the rate of increase in sophomore rushing.

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