How Halls are Keeping Their Clash Secrets Secure and Maintaining Their Defenses

LocksIt’ll take more than a couple of padlocks to keep spies away from your clash secrets || Source: Adobe Stock

Every sunrise over the geese-infested plains of IMSA brings us closer to clash week, and IMSA’s halls are doing everything they can to prevent top-secret clash information from being leaked. The Acronym learned about just how intense these security measures are.

Some halls have taken to extensive cryptography studies and improvements to their digital infrastructure to ensure that no hacks from other halls reveal key details about the drill mix, propic, or potential last-minute bribes for CAB members. An 04 student gave us some information about the extreme encryption measures implemented by his hall. He chose to remain anonymous due to fears of being exposed as a whistleblower, so we’ll simply refer to him as SW. 

“They’ve moved beyond your standard hash algorithm or public key encryption, and they’re already working on a rudimentary quantum computer,” a bewildered SW explained. “who knows how they got their hands on that kind of technology, but at least they’re doing something valuable with it. You know, kids these days, they just…” [SW proceeded to go into a 20-minute rant about online “degeneracy” and “SJW’s,” but was eventually forced back on topic by the persistent interviewer.] “They’ve also hooked up their own server that’s completely separate from AIRIMSA and, well, the internet, and it’s the only network we’re allowed to use in 04.” SW explained that fobbing into the hall was not an option either, and the doors could only be opened by the correct entry of a 256-digit number. “Most of us have had to sleep outside because we forgot the last 50 or so digits,” SW said, “but it was worth it to know that we were helping keep 04 safe.” 

Taking a different route, 03 has turned its hall into a “clash bunker,” guarded with massive slabs of reinforced concrete and containing various shelters in the event of a nuclear strike or a potential robotic doppelganger invasion. Admin has allowed these structural changes to remain, due to the fact that they extend the hall’s remaining lifetime by 300 years to the ripe old age of 310. Drill practices take place in a sound-proof chamber somewhere below the baseball field, and the dancers are believed to be capable of moving perfectly in sync, thanks to advanced hypnotic methods. When we went to interview an 03 drill coordinator about how the practices were going, they recited the entirety of the ubiquitous Burger KingTM “Whopper” ad from memory, refusing to make eye contact with us. Once they finished this, they looked us dead in the eyes and tastefully yet frighteningly evoked Wilfred Owen by stating “Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.” Now that’s what we call commitment!

02’s Astr2naut theme is more than just an homage to the exciting promises of space exploration—they’re working on real aerospace-related projects with over $5 billion in funding from several military contractors such as Lockheed Martin and Boeing, and they’ve used much of this funding to finance their missile defense system and signals intelligence platform. To make the upcoming clash week one to remember, 02 will feature flyovers from hypersonic, highly-classified military aircraft armed with state-of-the-art weapons. They’ve assured the other halls that they will not use these weapons against them—so long as none of the halls launch a strike of their own.

Leave it to IMSA students to come up with such ingenious security measures! As long as no mutually-assured destruction is invoked and no hacking leads to hard-fought cyberwarfare, this clash season promises to be the most fun yet!

About the Author

Stephen Walsh
Stephen Walsh is a senior from 04 C wing who is currently sleeping in the loft. He likes learning about history, math, and railroading. In his free time, he enjoys hanging out with friends, drawing, writing, hiking, and playing exploding kittens.

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